10 Intimacy Struggles After Years Together & 10 Ways to Reignite the Spark

The little quirks and habits that were once charming can become routine and mildly annoying. Still, the fun and the charm can be rediscovered by embracing playfulness, small acts of appreciation, and shared adventures that will bring back the excitement of the relationship.

Alyana Aguja
November 14, 2024
6 min read

10 Intimacy Struggles After Years Together & 10 Ways to Reignite the Spark — Nathan Dumlao from Unsplash

After years of being together, your idea of a hot date night is finding a matching pair of clean socks and agreeing on a Netflix show before 10 p.m. But just because your love is more about couch naps and thermostat wars doesn’t mean the spark’s completely out–it just needs a little creative CPR. With a little bit of adventure, a splash of nostalgia, and perhaps a little salsa dancing (unwillingly), you may recall why you fell in love in the first place.

1. The Sweatpants Era

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Do you recall the days when you would slip into something special? Suddenly, sweatpants and unmatched socks have become the new slumber. Finding the sweatshirt with the fewest spaghetti stains is your new “getting dressed up.”

2. Netflix: The Third Wheel

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Date night: Now, 3 hours spent scrolling on Netflix trying to find something you both like and then passing out halfway through. Nothing screams “romance” quite like dozing off in the middle of a 10-season murder mystery.

3. Goodnight Kisses? More like Goodnight Grunts

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Early on, every goodnight ended with a passionate kiss. Nowadays, it’s a “goodnight” grunt as you both roll to opposite sides, clutching your pillow for dear life. Sometimes, a little midnight snoring duet can be the most romantic part of the night.

4. Dramatic Differences in Sleep Preferences

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One likes it frosty and Arctic in the room, and the other roasts like they are sunbathing at the beach. All this “adjusting” of the thermostat has been good for only one thing: more bickering than who left the dishes in the sink. Romance takes a hit when bundled like an Eskimo or sweating like a rotisserie chicken.

5. “Routine” Became Your New Love Language

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Date night? “No, we have trivia on Wednesday, laundry on Thursday, and, remember, the kids have soccer on Saturday.” Every plan needs a calendar invite, and spontaneity has gone out of the window.

6. Your Biggest Compliments Are Now About Household Chores

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Forget complimenting each other’s looks or charm; now it’s all about “thanks for taking out the trash. You rock!” If doing the dishes together is the ultimate evening activity, you could be in a relationship rut.

7. No More Surprises (Maybe Too Many)

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You know each other’s most bizarre quirks and odd habits. You know exactly how you like your sandwich. The mystery has worn so thin that you can predict what the other person will order at every restaurant within a 20-mile radius. Any surprise would probably include remembering to turn on the Brita filter.

8. Different Ideas of “Date Night”

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For one, it means dinner and dancing; for the other, it means ordering takeout and eating it on the couch. How do you find romance when half the team only wants to nap?

9. Romance Gets Replaced by “Parent-Mode”

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Flirting takes a back seat to “Did you pack the lunchboxes?” What used to be flirtatious conversations turned into logistical discussions about what to do the next day. You’d say you miss your partner, but you’re too busy telling someone to put on his shoes.

10. You’ve Gone From “Can’t Wait to See You” to “Space, Please”

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Personal space has now become a precious commodity. You may still love each other, but sometimes you’d want to cuddle on your side of the bed and maybe have an entirely separate couch.

However, these struggles can be alleviated with proper effort and care. These next 10 will be about reigniting the spark between you and your partner, and before you know it, the fire will be burning as hotter and brighter as before.

1. Replace Sweatpants with Something (Somewhat) Fancy

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Surprise each other by trading in the sweatpants for a pretty lovely date-worthy outfit. Heck, you’re just hanging at home. Wearing something more excellent than your regular sweatpants might make the night feel like “date night.” Adding a splash of cologne or perfume means you’re halfway to recapturing those dreamy honeymoon moments.

2. Try Something New Together

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Get out of your comfort zone! Take a salsa class or join a karaoke bar. Of course, you are likely to feel embarrassed at first, but maybe laughing at each other’s terrible dance moves will be the rekindling fuel you need.

3. A Compliment a Day Keeps the Grumpiness Away

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Try to give one or two little, honest compliments each day. Make it a bit silly-sounding: “You look good today–even if you are still wearing that shirt four days in a row.” Small appreciations are like love vitamins: necessary and refreshing.

4. Create a “Classic Date Night”

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Go back to the basics: a movie, popcorn, and a blanket fort in the living room. Leave the phones in the other room so you won’t be tempted to check emails. It might feel silly at first, but sometimes, old-school romance is just what you need.

5. Start a Compliment Battle

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When you run out of topics, say something nice about your partner. The more fun you make it, the better. Try to outdo each other to find even sillier compliments. Spend a minute each firing off a list of everything you love about each other. It starts romantic but always ends up ridiculous, with things like “You make a killer grilled cheese.” This little game reminds you of the many, sometimes silly, reasons you love each other.

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Plan a spontaneous night in another town. Maybe spend the night in an Airbnb or hotel to spice things up. Light packing for a mini-road trip can give you a newfound view of love. Quick changes of scenery and hotel showers can be a magic cure for the romance meter.

7. Bring Back the Flirt

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Flirty texts or notes in the house can be a fun reminder of the good old days. Send a cheeky message like “I’ll beat you at Mario Kart tonight,” or leave a hidden inside the fridge. Those little surprise gifts make life less ordinary and so much more fun.

8. Make a Couples Bucket List

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Sit down and make a list of things you’d both love to try in the next year. From eating at that weird restaurant to taking a dance class, putting shared goals on paper is a good reminder you’re on the same team.

9. Give Each Other a “Home Spa Night”

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Light some candles, grab face masks, and be good to each other. Relaxation and care can put both of you in a fresh, more romantic mood. There is no bonding like peeling off a face mask together.

10. Laugh Together, Often

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Put on a comedy show or recall funny memories together. Laughing together rekindles intimacy by creating moments of joy that will be shared. Besides, nothing says love like laughing at the same dumb jokes repeatedly.