12 Pencil Sharpeners That Barely Worked But Were Everywhere
Here's a nostalgic look at the stubborn little sharpeners that were in every classroom and office, yet rarely did their job right.
- Chris Graciano
- 3 min read
Pencil sharpeners that felt more like a test of patience than a useful utility are something we’ve all seen. These devices, in spite of their annoying inefficiency, nonetheless became commonplace. Let’s go back to the most frequent offenders who destroyed our pencils yet persisted for years.
1. The Wall-Mounted Metal Beast
Toytoy on Wikimedia Commons
A fixture in every schoolroom, this clunky giant was known for swallowing pencils whole and jamming mid-sharpen. You had to crank it like a manual blender, all while holding it steady.
2. The Tiny Plastic Cone
Andy Dingley on Wikimedia Commons
Usually found in birthday party goodie bags, this sharpener could barely handle a No. 2 pencil. It cracked easily, spilled shavings everywhere, and left your pencil looking like it chewed its way out.
3. The Novelty Character Head
Photogitthi on Unsplash
Shaped like your favorite cartoon, these sharpeners looked cool but were absolutely useless. The blades inside dulled faster than a dollar-store razor.
4. The Crank Handle Retro
Coyau on WIkimedia Commons
This sharpener looked vintage but operated like it belonged in the 1800s. The handle was always loose, and the gears would catch and grind unpredictably.
5. The Electric Tease
Jason Quinn on Wikimedia Commons
You’d think going electric meant better performance, but no. These models often stopped working halfway through sharpening or just vibrated loudly without turning the blade.
6. The Double-Hole Disaster
Andrew Kelsall on Flickr
Marketed as “universal,” this sharpener had two holes and did neither job well. The large one never fit anything properly, and the small one chewed pencils unevenly.
7. The Pencil-Topper Grinder
Yoggysot on Wikimedia Commons
This mini sharpener fit right on the pencil’s eraser end and seemed super convenient. However, it usually leaked shavings and bent the pencil tip into weird angles.
8. The Clear-Box Clunker
charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
See-through casing meant you could watch your pencil die in real time. The blade barely shaved off wood, leaving a jagged mess. You had to open it every few minutes just to empty three sad shavings.
9. The Designer Metal Cube
PickPik
Sold as a “premium” option, this one looked sleek but didn’t work any better. It took forever to sharpen anything and often left graphite dust all over.
10. The School Fundraiser Freebie
F. Kesselring on Wikimedia Commons
Usually came branded with a school logo and made from the cheapest plastic known to man. The blade would loosen after a week, and it felt like trying to sharpen a crayon.
11. The Twist Cap Trap
PxHere
This design required you to twist the pencil instead of turning a handle. The cap would often pop off, scattering shavings across your desk.
12. The Slide-In Slimline
Thamizhpparithi Maari on Wikimedia Commons
Meant to be sleek and portable, but sharpening with it was like slicing wood with a spoon. It never gripped the pencil properly, and the blade was always misaligned.